Prologue

It’s 2017.

I had given up being a web developer. I hated it. It just didn’t work for me. Whether it was the combination of the people I had to work for through my short career or whether it was the impostor syndrome, the need to learn every detail of every language I ever touched, or making my plans way too ambitious for my own good, I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I was decent at it, ya know? And I really enjoyed it. I loved building from the ground up. Putting every part of everything together myself and making it all work together. But I lost that love somewhere along the way.

As anyone would do, I began exploring my options of what I would do with my life. What I could possible get into now, in a life half wasted doing something I thought I would do for the rest of my life. I don’t remember exactly how or when I choose this path, but basically had told myself that I was done working for someone else where I hated it. Doing something I just no longer enjoyed. That I would be going back to doing something creative.

Creative.

The very portion of me that had been suppressed for so long. The part of me that was put away for the sake of practicality. The funniest and most ironic part of that is that had I been allowed to explore those options and work on it up until now, I would have gotten somewhere and made a name for myself. But I’d be starting over.

I remember thinking of all the creative things I had ever wanted to do. I landed on 3D modelling and animation. I wanted to make films, but not just any kind of film, something science fiction related with cool tech and universes.

Looking into everything I possibly could about it, I chose to go back to school and learn. I thought, “Why the hell couldn’t I go back to school and learn something new?”. And so began the search for a good university, landing on Media Design School here in New Zealand. It had decent reviews, decent courses and I had the potential to begin working for a decent VFX company at the end of it all.

I discussed the idea with my parents. Bad news.

They couldn’t take the weight of me not working and contributing. It was too much for them. They weren’t horrible about it. They were gentle, using logic and scenarios of risk that I had think about as well. I was immediately deflated.

I had already called the school at this point. I called back to let the lady know that I would no longer be considering coming there after everything we had discussed. What should have been a 10 minute conversation of me telling my side, potentially discussing other avenues, I realised we were on the phone for 45 mins.

We spoke of how life takes turns and throws us somewhere we weren’t expecting. That just because I could go to this school didn’t mean my creativity was going to go waste. That I could put it towards something I could work on, on the side, while I still worked. That I could still tell all the stories I wanted.

I couldn’t believe I energised I became with talking to a stranger on the phone for 45 mins. Someone I didn’t know, but took the time to explore options with me and gave me hope. Sophie was her name. I will never forget that phone call.

I began exploring every options, in only the way a suspected ADHD person could. In the most lateral-thinking way possible. Normal people think linearly, while we think laterally to the point of our own detriment. It usually sucks, except, when it comes to ideation.

I was born for this.

How could I tell stories? I had blogged previously and had got some decent feedback from it. So writing was on the table. It was the easiest and most cost effective. Everything else would cost too much money, for example getting a better computer to learn 3D modelling with or even a camera.

Thus the writing began. I explored every topic my brain could wrap around. From technology, to music, to food, to all the stories my brain would come up with just to keep itself entertained. I began using the Wordpress Daily Prompt to ensure that I would write every day.

Fast forward 6 months, I realised I had a camera that I had bought a while back that I NEVER used. It was a Nikon D3200. Perhaps I could tell just as much stories with pictures? Perhaps, we can have a thousand more words to join the ranks of my blog posts.

Just like the writing, I took to photography until I was noticed in my local community for having my own distinct style as well as way of shooting. I shot every day! I continued writing too. But eventually, the writing faded away as I got more and more into the editing side of things. Now it as just photography and my own style of editing.

It wasn’t long before I discovered Peter McKinnon and his vlog channel on YouTube. Can you guess what happened next? Yeah, I upgrade my Nikon to a Canon 80D. Say 80D fast enough, and you get me, A.D.D.

So yes, writer turned photographer, turned vlogger, then stayed mostly a photographer still. I enjoyed making short films and vlogs. But I was too self conscious to stay in front of the camera, so the photography continued.

Eventually, the photography stopped too, as I continue editing. Editing was all there was. I fell completely in love with it. And I know what you’re thinking, how long before I left that? Well, not long at all, because come 2019, I began to fade away from everything creative. Burnout maybe? I don’t know.

Covid 19 strikes. Lockdown. Staying at home. What a holiday for a introvert like me.

I should also mention this was around the time I was doing a lot of work on myself. Learning how to enjoy be alone. Learning about what my brain was doing. Learning about why I made the kinds of decisions that I made. And learning about my levels of energy and how to recharge it and maintain my mental wellbeing.

Before long I discovered streaming. I really enjoyed interacting with streamers and eventually being invited to play with them live. Eventually, I began streaming myself. Starting with gaming. I also began recording a bunch of things I was doing, and that was when I discovered another love of mine, editing videos. Which then started a gaming channel which was doing okay! But eventually, that died too.

So many creative endeavors, so many mental games I was playing with myself, never understanding why I couldn’t just stay in one place. This was when I discovered how ADHD I really was and why I couldn’t do one thing at a time; dopamine. I had a problem with it, whether it was my body not producing enough of it, or my receptors not receiving enough of it until I flooded my systems with as much as I could. Hence the jump from one interest to the next, hunting for dopamine.

Eventually I learned enough to control it to a certain degree. I had to teach myself that sometimes I would REALLY hate doing something, even though I claim to love it, and I would just have to power through. And no, I’m not talking about when every just gets lazy and doesn’t want to do hard tasks. I mean, thinking about taking the trash, counting EVERY step to trying to take out the trash including getting up, opening the door, going down stairs, opening the blah blah blah; I was overwhelmed. This level of resistance to existence should not be a thing. I shouldn’t hate every moment of being awake because of how overwhelming everything can be.

It’s now 2023.

I’ve learned about what my limits are. I know that I’m on a wait list for getting tested for ADHD in order to get more information about how to go about my life. And perhaps, getting my focus back in a normal kind of way.

I’ve learned what all of my creative endeavors really mean; I wanted to tell stories through as many mediums as I could. I wanted to take people on a journey, and I wanted to create worlds that don’t exist.

So I continue playing games in the hopes some interesting things come up that I could record, edit and upload in a hobbyist fashion to perhaps gain some traction whilst entertaining others.

I’ve chosen to come back to writing as form of documentation as well as a release. I miss writing. I miss being able to type at the speed of my thoughts and get everything out as it was flowing.

I’ve begun a journey into the digital art world where I will tell as many visual stories as I can with the use of photoshop, and sometimes photography will be a part of that, and other times, the ability to vlog and be in front of the camera will help with the telling of that story as I also teach how I do what I do and perhaps get others moving in that regard.

Even with the advent of AI, I do not plan on giving in to that shit, the instant gratification of having everything delivered instantly and yesterday. Humanity will learn a hard lesson when you remove the skill towards spending the time on something only to see it come to life. There will be nothing left to live for if we don’t have something to work towards. But too many people are blinded by the flashy instant text based art, or even telling and AI to write something for them. Like, seriously? When will they do something?

I will not be giving into that. Either I make use of my own mind and become something, or I die. There is no slavery to the prompt masters with me. I will make with my own hands and mind. And before anyone gives me shit that the same arguments were made when photography went digital and users began editing their photos, this isn’t the same. We are talking about NO WORK BEING DONE AT ALL. Even with digital, there is so much work to be done before an image becomes final.

Soon, humanity will lose all dopamine from instant gratification if everything is at our finger tips. Even they will need to go dopamine hunting for something new. Where is there to go when everything will be creatable, instantly? Where will the authenticity go?

So here we are. After everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve come to the conclusion on, had I stayed doing the first thing I wanted, I might have gotten somewhere. Instead, I will always regret moving from one thing to another before getting anywhere now that AI will steal everything (it is how it learns, right?) and us artists mean nothing.

I will write in my own authentic voice.

I will create art with my mind and hands.

I will tell stories with my own voice.

Human creativity was never a problem that needed to be solved.

And I will continue through the world as such.

There, now you’re all caught up before I start writing on this publication.

And yes, I started this page at the end of 2022, but really decided now that I wanted to write again, hence this page got updated on 28.05.2023.